Generation Gap!
Have you ever felt that you cannot relate to your parents’ struggles?
- Do you find it hard to explain your actual feelings about an event to your elders?
- Do you understand and sense their genuine love and care but don’t see a point in their piece of advice?
- Have you shared a meme that didn’t tickle that big a laugh in your mother as it did to you and your pal? Why might that be?
I’m sure we all would have experienced similar situations regarding us and our elders. This is a sneak peek of the famous “Generation Gap.” We have light and fun moments because of this gap, and yet it can also become stifling. What should we do? Parents and elders want youngsters to take advice from them and act accordingly. While the young want elders to not control them, rather let them ‘do their thing.’ The final apparent solution that both parties reach is to just not talk about important stuff and ignore the elephant in the room. This leads to the gap getting widened and now there are two gaps: Generation PLUS communication gap.
If we try to not let the heat of the moment take the better of us and realize that most of the time situations are not as bad as we view them, we can surely look to adopt ways out of these painful gaps. Efforts to reduce the communication gap help bridge the generation gap, or make it bearable or less painful at least. Inshallah.
Advice to the parents:
Try to understand the other party’s perspective.
One thing that helps us deal with hurtful situations, although it may be quite difficult to practice, is to look past the feelings of anger or frustration. We advise, not because of our anger/frustration, but love and care, and wanting our loved ones to be safe. However, the external anger makes us lose sight of what lies beneath. This is true for both the elders and the young.
Listen first, advise second.
What the loving elders can do is, despite their urge of wanting to share their life experience and wanting the young to accept and implement their advice at all costs, let the young share their mindset first. Being an empathetic and interested listener can do wonders. This won’t make the youth defensive either. When elders give advice after having listened patiently, chances of rebellion or rejection by the young are less. They may accept your advice too and it increases the chances of their returning to you voluntarily and seeking advice. Acknowledge their point of view first, and then give a piece of genuine, kind advice.
Give your child space.
If your teen seems to be avoiding you after your repetitive snubbing towards them, try to withdraw from them for a few days. Try to not make your presence overwhelming for them because otherwise, they would drift away from you and not closer to you. Yes, I understand, you come from a place of love and concern trying to offer protection and avoid harm, yet understand that our goal is a good tarbiyah (upbringing) and not nipping.
Seek help.
Parents can seek counseling to learn effective ways of communicating if they’re having trouble connecting with their children. Learn how to cope with the different attitudes of your kids living in these trying times.
Counselling is not just for those suffering from mental health issues, it is for all of us to function healthily, inshallah. It is best to connect with like-minded Muslim parents and guardians. There are plenty of resources available online as well, so exhaust those means as much as possible because the last thing you want is to add gaps on top of gaps and live as a family of mutually alienated members who struggle to open up to each other but find easy outlets outside—good and bad both.
And advice to the youngsters: calm down.
Your elders don’t mean you any harm. Although you might not agree or you cannot understand their perspective, that doesn’t sanction you in labelling them as being wrong or outdated, so be careful about that. It’s equally probable that the very view you are opposing now would one day be your own view too, after gaining some experience.
Always think good of others and don’t judge their intentions—especially of your parents. When we think well of others, our attitude towards them automatically changes—no eye rolls, frustrated tone, loud door shutting, hunger strike, etc. Once you look past the rigid attitude of your parents, you would see their love and how they want nothing but the best for you, by Allah’s tofeeq. Hence, fix your inner state of mind first and then communicate your perspective respectfully. It’s highly possible that your honest, open, and respectful talk would give them a clear picture of your situation in which they may agree with you.
Understand that a mind that has expanded through lifelong learnings and experiences cannot shrink itself or unlearn everything and start as a novice like you. Offer as much acceptance as you expect.
It’s not a must that after these bridging efforts from both sides all the conflicts would be resolved instantly forever. No, it might never happen, but your way of dealing with such situations would surely bridge the gap and lead to a more wholesome relationship that offers a chance of individual growth and mutual understanding and acceptance, inshallah.
“May Allah ta’ala bless us all with barakah and ease in all matters of our lives.” Ameen.
Written by Afeerah J. Khan
